You know that brick you feel in your stomach when someone you love with all of your heart is going through something really difficult? That brick that just consists of angst and worry for said person? Yeah, that’s what I’m feeling. Things are tough all around right now. I just get the feeling that I’m walking around with a blindfold, taking every step with so much precaution, all because I feel like I’m on the edge. I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know what to expect. Everything really feels like it’s falling on me. But to see you go through something at the same time as I am, makes me even more stressed. We night not be going through the same thing, but we’re feeling the same emotions. I just want to take this all away from you. It’s all I want right now. I can worry about myself after everything you got going on is resolved.
17 years ago, to the day, I was blessed with the girl to the right. She is my best friend, my confidant, my ally, my partner in crime, my biggest treasure. She is an inspiration to me in so many ways. Sure, I’m older than she is, but she has taught me so much. Not just about myself, but life too. She has the biggest heart, she has the purest of souls. You’ll always see pictures of us together and that’s because I seriously love spending time with her. Even if all she wants to do is look at socks in Dillard’s. She makes everything we do so much fun. She can seriously read my mind. I’m so attached to this girl. I swear, I cannot fall asleep if she’s not in the room, it doesn’t even matter how tired I am. If she wakes up before me and she leaves, I’ll wake up because I feel like she’s no longer there. I do everything with her (not literally) but she’s an immense part of me and my life. I adore her so much more than I can even explain. She’s seventeen years old today, and I don’t even know when that happened. She’s still my little Catherine. She’s so mature and so grown now, it surprises me. I look at Gabby and think that she’ll be seventeen before I know it. I really, truly, honestly do not know what I would be if it wasn’t for her. She’s my big sister in a lot of ways, as I am hers. It’s her birthday and I’m going to make it one of the best she’s had. I love you, little one. Much more than you’ll ever know.
This girl is the light of my life. Her smile brings so much to me. The ways she impacts my heart are just indescribable. Seeing her only every other weekend breaks me to pieces. But seeing her happy ass run up to me and jump on me with that excited “Steph!” she always screams, is well worth it. She’s almost four years old and I cannot believe it. She’s starting school in September and I swear, I cried when I realized that she’s no longer that baby I still see in my head. Yeah, she’s my baby sister but damn, time does go by faster than one would like. I try and make up for the time that I don’t get to spend with her by making her as happy as I possibly could. Tending to her every need, making sure she gets what she wants, taking her where she wants. She knows I’m a sucker for her, she’s smart like that. My little Gabby. There is not a single thing that I would not do to keep that smile on her face. It’s cliche, but it’s also so true. My heart swells when I’m with this little girl. I want to give her everything she’ll ever need. My sisters are the most important things I have. I will always sacrifice anything I need to, with no hesitation, to make sure they’re well and happy. I’m a serious big sister and I am fucking proud of it. My darling little Gabbs, I count the days until I see you again. Believe me, mama, I’m always missing you. I love you immensely. You are what I fight for everyday. You and Catherine are my greatest loves.
We lost Michael Jackson. It’s been two years and I still can’t believe it. A lot of people talked shit about him because of all the allegations made against him. I never believed any of them, I always knew that he would never be capable of such a thing. I literally grew up with his music. His music videos were always amazing to me, the way he told stories through his dancing and what not. I remember my best friend trying to imitate him in his living room. People became “fans” after his death. I personally think that’s a load of shit. I’m not a bandwagon fan. I was sincerely hurt to know that he passed away. I still remember what I was doing when I found out he was hospitalized. I wasn’t believing it, I was hoping that he’d be in the hospital and that he’d be fine within a few days. He was making his comeback and he didn’t get the chance to impact the lives of all those people in Europe. I will always love you, Michael Jackson. I will always be a fan. We miss you.
On my ass too much. You don’t know how to let me b r e a t h e
Understand that I’m not little anymore. I know how to look after
myself. You should have the confidence that you raised me right.
If you continue all of this, I am going to loose my mind. I am going
to blow up on you for the millionth time. L e t M e G o . If you keep
at it, it only shows me that you don’t have a clear conscience. Yes,
I still hate you for what you did. You didn’t know how to take care of
us then. And there’s no way you can do it now. I may have needed you
when you first decided to leave. Now, I can fend for myself. No help
from you at all. I got Mother. She’s all I need. You’re just suffocating me.
Your grip on me is annoying. Stupid. Unbelievable. I hate you most of the
time. More than half the time. Go figure.
Certainly. Something. What a joke. You need to get the fuck out of here already. It’s clear as day that no one wants you here anymore. Discussed it, we all came to the same conclusion. You. You. You. You. Wow. Ever stop to think what caused this? Of course not. You’d rather not. You’re not the kind to face things. I saw this from the start, every alarm in my head was going off. I just put it all on mute in hopes that I was wrong. Boy oh boy, I was dead on. And then some. Surprise. Maybe I should listen to my fucking senses more.
